Last week, I wrote about social media and how we often let it undermine our confidence and joy. I decided to attach it to feminism because we women are the ones who primarily use social networking, and we are also the ones most prone to comparing ourselves and coming up short. So if we consider ourselves feminists…what can we do to remedy this situation?
My own thoughts about it run the gamut. The best place to start is, no doubt, rooting through the nonsense and getting to the heart of what is going on – our own sense of insecurity, our own fears, our own lack of self-worth. That is something probably all of us could and should work on every day.
Beyond that, I think we need to ask ourselves some serious questions:
1. Is it empowering to women for me to feel like less of a success because of pictures or posts I see on social media sites?
2. Is it empowering to women for me to resent my sisters for all the perfection that they *appear* to have (based on pictures and posts on social media sites)?
3. Is it empowering to women for me to silently (or not) shame, dislike, disregard or tear down my social media sisters?
4. Is it empowering to women (including myself) to post this update/photo/whatever? Am I doing it to share with others or am I looking for approval/likes/retweets/comments?
Here are some interesting comments from you readers:
EcoGrrl says: I think it’s not only about strengthening the sisterhood, but strengthening our brothers as well, the real men. They need to be speaking up to their fellow male friends, coworkers, family members, etc. I posted a TGP column a few weeks back in response to the amazing “Where are Men’s Roar?” TEDtalk that is a beautiful example of a man being, well, a real man.
Maurie commented: I think that if these are the reactions we have as we see the happy stories of others then we need to go inside and work on our own sense of self-worth, self-acceptance and self-love… I for one want to share the things that are beautiful and inspiring in my life or the things I am passionate about. There is so much pain and suffering, complaining and whining and just plain nasty self and other talk out there. I don’t want to add to that. Sure, I’ll share a struggle from time to time, but for me personally, I just want to share the beauty more. That’s what I want to focus on.
Thank you, ladies! Anyone else have some thoughts?
Have you noticed how social media has made us more obsessive and insecure than ever? We already have the temptation to think the worst about ourselves and compare ourselves to others…and thanks to Instagram and Twitter and Facebook, we can now follow the scene-by-scene perfection of the lives of our friends and family.
Are you single? How often do the pictures of your friends with their husbands make you feel bad about yourself? There they are on the beach. There they are having breakfast with their newborn at the trendy café a few blocks from their house. There they are taking a walk at sunset. And there’s a picture of their wedding, to celebrate their 10th anniversary.
Want kids but don’t have any (for any number of reasons including infertility or…)? How often do you feel sad or envious when you see the dozens and dozens of pictures your friends post on Facebook of their kids covered in chocolate or taking a bath or the videos of them laughing or singing?
Are you desperate for a better-paying, more satisfying job and just cringe when your friends post about their recent raise or their new company car? Or do you just want to quit, altogether so you can stay home with your kids, and feel a stab of pain whenever your SAHM friends post midday pictures of themselves sitting in the backyard with their kids?
It’s so easy to forget that social media brings out both our inner perfectionists and our inner sycophants. We want to look so happy and pretty and successful. We want people to respond favorably to our posts. We want to show them that we’re so successful and so beautiful that we have a wealth of compliments to shower on our friends in the form of “likes” and comments.
Would you post about the fight you just had with your boyfriend? That you’re scared your relationship might not survive such an argument? Would you post your child’s latest breakdown? Would you post a picture of yourself on the couch, surrounded by clean, but unfolded laundry? Would you post about your financial troubles?
Once in a while, sure, we open up and speak freely about our uncertainties, our fears, our struggles. But mostly, we want to share the best parts of ourselves on social media. So we do. And we forget that others do the same. We perceive other people to be happier than we are, and internalize that as failure.
I often wonder what this means to us, as women. If we identify with the principles of feminism, how do we apply that to social media? How do we support ourselves, as women, in the best way possible, while also supporting and honoring our sisters?
I have some ideas of my own, but this is such a HUGE, expansive topic that I thought I would ask you for your ideas and post them next Friday. Please leave a comment with your thoughts!
We have talked about health and weight loss and self-acceptance and complacency a LOT this month, and here’s just one more reason why I’m suspicious of saying that “health – not weight loss – is the goal”:
Here’s the latest Women’s Health Magazine. Health is a pretty broad term, right? But you wouldn’t know it looking at this magazine cover.
These are the issues I have with this cover:
1. Four out of the seven cover stories are about weight-loss.
2. Five out of the seven cover stories are about appearance. Of the remaining two, one is about having “hotter sex.” Apparently, our happiness and mental/emotional health is only worth 1/7 of our time and attention, while the rest is about looking good and making sex hotter.
3. Let’s face it. Like many women’s magazines on the stands these days, this one is all about sex, sexuality and sexiness. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those things in the proper context, it’s demeaning to women to be objectified by the media. Do you look at this picture and think the cover model is really healthy? Smart? Happy? Maybe. But if she’s happy, it’s cuz she’s so hot, right? And hot is healthy. Skinny is stress-reducing. Flat abs produce joy! Right?
4. I find one cover story particularly offensive: Eat, Drink & Still Shrink. Healthy, Yummy, Bikini-Friendly Ideas! Really?! I don’t even know where to begin here. Shrink, huh? Shrink. Cuz that’s what health is all about – getting smaller. And to label anything healthy as “bikini-friendly” is reductive, repressive and insulting. So health equals our ability to look sexy in a bikini? Is that the message here?
This is why I’ve been so fanatical about self-acceptance this month. We live in a culture that absolutely does not promote self-acceptance. Period. Have you noticed that even when you lose weight, suddenly, there’s something else to worry about? Teeth that aren’t exactly gleaming white. Jiggly arms that result from major weight loss. Cellulite. Large pores.
Get the picture? Our “health” magazines will always be pointing out ways to improve our appearance, rather than pointing out all the reasons we have for accepting ourselves just the way we are now. Which sounds healthier to you?
For those of you who answered the survey (thank you!) here are the results:
::Sixty-two percent of you have resolved to lose weight in 2012.
::How often have you made this resolution before? Twenty-five percent have made it once before, another 25% twice before, 8% have made a New Year’s resolution to lose weight more than three times before, 25% five times before, and the final 17% of you, five or more times.
::Only 7% of you weigh yourself every day. (Yay!) Eighty-five percent of you do NOT experience anxiety when you can’t weigh yourself on a regular basis (another yay!), but a full 50% of you said the numbers on the scale affect your confidence level. (That’s why I never weigh myself – it’s too easy to fall into insecurity.)
::Forty-six percent of you feel you must be constantly vigilant in order to maintain your weight, and 33% of you avoid certain foods in order to maintain your weight. As for social settings, 41% of you expressed feeling anxiety at gatherings involving food. However, this anxiety was not always triggered by weight issues, but by nutritional preferences and/or special dietary needs.
::Predictably, no one claimed to be satisfied with their weight “always.”Thirty percent are happy with their weight most of the time, 15% are satisfied half the time, 23% once in a while, and 32% of you said you were “never” happy with your weight.
::The final question (How much of your time, money and energy are spent on weight issues?) prompted a slew of interesting responses from both sides of the spectrum. Here are a few samples:
Way too much. But doesn’t everyone? The day that chubby women appear in beauty magazines is the day that maybe – MAYBE – I’ll feel beautiful the way I am.
About a minute out of every three months when I finally get curious enough to get on the scale. I used to obsess over my weight, but now I barely care. I have way too many other things to concern myself with, and besides, I think I look great, so who cares what number the scale reports?
I pay for a gym membership to help me access a way to help keep me healthy and strong. I feel better and have more energy and am happier when I’m able to exercise a few times per week.
I spend a lot of time and energy thinking about it and trying to convince myself to FEEL what I THINK: that my weight shouldn’t matter if it’s not affecting my health.
For me, I often feel lulled into thinking I don’t have anymore weight issues. After all, when you finally find yourself free of planning your entire life around your eating disorders, you feel like you are completely healed. Yet, I was drawn to this subject because I was annoyed by the many “lose weight in 2012″ slogans I heard over the past month or so – nothing new when January rolls around. I also realized, yet again, that I do still have some issues and I truly want to release them.
My own answers to this survey would be reflected in those you readers gave: I, too, am only sometimes satisfied with my weight, my confidence is affected by my weight and appearance, and I’m scarily gifted at trying to trick myself into weight loss goals under the guise of getting healthier. (Not that there’s anything wrong with wanting to lose weight or getting healthier – I simply mean to say that I’m very good at tricking myself into trying to lose weight by pretending that it’s about my health.)
Thank you all who answered this survey and stay tuned as I (very belatedly) post about our first Resolve to Love assignment in the challenge.
I’m happy to say that the farming community is growing quickly in Central Oregon. Several CSAs have developed over the past few years and wonderful volunteer programs have sprouted up to recruit locals to help out on the farm.
Copyright: Five Seed
I have been buying a CSA share through Rainshadow Organics for two years now. Part of the reason I chose it was because it was run by a young woman – how cool is that? Yesterday, I was blessed with the opportunity to volunteer at the farm with several other people to glean, put the garden to bed and do several other tasks, including moving wood debris in order to clear a space for a flour mill that RO will be building this winter (so awesome!) and moving tree limbs and logs in order to clear a field for wildflowers – part of a grant RO received to create a bee habitat (even more awesome!).
Who showed up for this massive project? Almost all the volunteers were women. There were two men – one being RO’s founder’s boyfriend, and the other a friend of hers – and the rest of us were women. We ranged in age from early twenties to retirees. We spanned the political spectrum from super liberal Green Party members to traditional conservatives. There were nurses, educators, nutritionists, ranchers, entrepreneurs, bakers and everything else you can think of. Some were married, some were dating, some were single. There were some without kids and several mothers in the group – one who brought her adorable 3-year-old son who dug up vegetables and helped us move tree limbs! And in this group of dirt-covered women in brightly colored outer wear, laughing, giggling and gossiping were at least a dozen Master’s degrees.
Copyright: Five Seed
It was not lost on us that the only two men there were there because of their connection to the owner of RO. We kept asking each other, “Where are all the male volunteers?” as we lugged those giant logs uphill to the splitting pile. I listened to these women talk about their efforts within the community to make our children healthier, our local food more plentiful and affordable, and our citizens more aware of the importance of sustainable agriculture. I listened to some of them talk about the grants they were writing, the co-ops they were forming and the nonprofits they were building. I heard all of this as beets and leeks were being painstakingly dug up, cleaned and sorted, as giant, heavy juniper limbs were being stacked in burn piles, as backbreakingly heavy logs were being slowly hauled up a hill.
I am still amazed by what I witnessed there. These women are major power players in our county. Some of them I would call pioneers for their efforts and success in creating an ever-expanding source of local foods and products and connecting those producers with customers.
Is this the new face of feminism? Women who are rebuilding the fundamental structures of sustainable, compassionate communities? These women gave up an entire day – time they could have spent with their families or at least getting some precious moments of rest – in order to perform physical labor that would have made even a strapping young man’s legs tremble. These women are literally taking back the land, and all on their own. They are becoming integral parts of our local economic and agricultural systems. They are building farms, businesses, nonprofits and educational systems from the ground up, all with the help and support of other women.
Copyright: Five Seed
Here’s to the farming sisterhood!
(My apologies – I forgot my camera yesterday and didn’t get any pictures of these awesome women. But these pictures are some that I took on the farm last year.)
I talked a bit about gender roles in the last post and have some more to say on that issue.
I missed this controversy when it first came out this past April: J. Crew president Jenna Lyons sent out an ad of her painting her son’s toenails pink. The copy read: “Lucky for me, I ended up with a son whose favorite color is pink.”
Apparently, this little picture sparked a huge controversy. Psychiatrist Keith Ablow stated that this kind of gender bending behavior is “psychological sterilization.” His blog post at Fox News states that he thinks letting children explore in this manner is damaging to the entire human race. He goes so far as to say that it will create a generation of people who go under the knife to alter their gender, and perhaps even their race.
Well, how about the fact that encouraging the choosing of gender identity, rather than suggesting our children become comfortable with the ones that they got at birth, can throw our species into real psychological turmoil—not to mention crowding operating rooms with procedures to grotesquely amputate body parts? Why not make race the next frontier? What would be so wrong with people deciding to tattoo themselves dark brown and claim African-American heritage? Why not bleach the skin of others so they can playact as Caucasians? Why should we hold dear anything with which we were born?
To drive his point home, Ablow questioned Lyons’ ability to take pride in her son’s masculinity. He wondered how she would respond to him playing the role of a cowboy with a gun. (Yes, he specifically mentioned a gun.) “Would that bring the same smile of joy and pure love that we see on her face in the J. Crew advertisement?”
Kingston Rossdale, a fan of nail polish
This reminds me of the controversy surrounding Sarah Manley’s 5-year-old son when he decided to dress as Daphne from Scooby Doo on Halloween 2010. Apparently, she got quite the lashing from fellow moms at her son’s school, and even more criticism when the story broke on national news stations. Her response was, “If my daughter had dressed as Batman, no one would have thought twice about it. No one.” And when asked about this pink nail polish story, she made a similar statement, saying that no one would have even cared if it was a picture of Lyons and a daughter playing in mud with dump trucks.
Sarah Manley's son as Daphne from Scooby Doo
So what makes a man? It seems wearing pink is not okay, experimenting with nail polish is out and toy guns may be a requirement. At least, that’s what Dr. Ablow seems to think.
As an educator, I’ve been exposed to the burgeoning fashion trends amongst our youth for over three years. While the girls seem to be recycling yesteryear’s looks, it’s the boys who are exploring all new territories. I have seen nail polish on teenage boys become an acceptable fashion trend (though admittedly, not pink – usually dark blue or black). I have seen the slightly effeminate cigarette jeans become the “it” pants. I have seen boys primping and preening in front of mirrors with dozens of hair care products to get just the right look, and even more walking around in a cloud of toxic Axe spray – which is essentially perfume.
With younger kids, I have met many boys who like to wear a dress when playing games. I have seen little boys express a natural curiosity about makeup and want to try it for themselves, just like a little girl might. And I have seen many boys proudly dress in pink on Breast Cancer Awareness Spirit Day.
So what does this really mean? Is this something we should be concerned about?
Shiloh Jolie-Pitt (middle): The ultimate tomboy
For me, it is simple. Turn the tables, and there would be no issue, whatsoever. When I was a child, I was obsessed with Spider Man. I had Spider Man skates, Spider Man underwear and a Spider Man beach towel. I would try to dress up like Spider Man and pretend to be him when playing with my friends at recess. No one had any problem with this, and I’m sure it would be the same story today with any other girl and any other parents. In fact, this type of gender bending is often seen as sexy in female adults. Think Jennifer Beal in Flashdance. Somehow, this ability to embrace our masculine side becomes something that enhances our femininity. (Well…so long as we are pretty and thin. But that’s another story for another day.)
Welder by day, dancer by night...but would we ever see this role reversal in male leads? Nope!
So why can’t we afford the same luxury to our little boys? Okay, I know why – at least, I know the argument some people would make. And I won’t mention that here, because I don’t want to give that argument any power. Again, let’s just turn the tables – if the “consequences” of exploring different gender roles aren’t a concern when it comes to girls, why should it be when it comes to boys?
This post is just touching on the tip of the iceberg of this subject. This goes deep and has roots that reach far and wide. But for now, I will leave it at this.
Happy Halloween, everyone! Here’s a little seasonal spin on the feminism series!
What’s one thing you’ll never see a female ‘tween without? A well-worn copy of one of the Twilight novels. And grown women? How many of us have a copy of a Sookie Stackhouse novel sitting on our bookshelves? And if we aren’t reading vampire fiction, then many of us are parked in front of HBO for an episode of True Blood. Between the novels, the books and the movies, vampire fiction has become an ever-growing trend. While I find some of it good fun, there are some aspects of it that trouble me – especially the exposure of what I fear are dis-empowering themes to the young girls of our society.
What does this picture suggest?
What kind of themes? The male lead is usually the vampire, while the female love interest is a mere mortal. There seems to be a focus on beauty in these stories – the unattainable, inhuman beauty of the vampire and the spell that that beauty puts on the woman. The vampire usually exhibits a possessive attitude over his human female love interest that sometimes moves into behavior that would be considered stalker-like by a real-life human male. The love match inevitably puts the frail human female in danger from any number of threats and in most cases, she seems to need the possessive, masculine, strong vampire to save her. There’s always a tension involved with the vampire’s predatory nature – he fears his blood lust will cause him to eventually kill the love interest whose blood is so tempting to him. And in some cases, that blood lust is occasionally satisfied when the female allows the vampire to feed off her. Whether she allows this or not, there’s always a part of her that fears the one she loves – and that fear seems to be a bit of a thrill to her. And so often, there seems to be a love triangle involved – two strong men fighting over a woman who often comes off as passive and weak.
Eric, Sookie & Bill
I didn’t read all the Sookie Stackhouse novels, but I found them to be more feminist in nature than the TV version, True Blood. In the books, though Sookie is often in danger, she makes choices to leave the people who put her in harm’s way – usually. In the TV show, she’s constantly endangering her life in order to help Bill and Eric. And as of this latest season, she’s in love with them both. (That one has always perplexed me – the popularity of Eric’s character. Sure, I get it, as far as packaging goes. He’s handsome and smoldering. But his character is violent and arrogant and if he were human, he’d be on America’s Most Wanted. Serial killer, anyone?) Further, it seems that while True Blood is peppered with lots of strong women, they are also repetitively the victims of violence – mostly committed by men.
And the Twilight novels…don’t even get me started. While I enjoyed the Sookie Stackhouse books, and I am a fan of True Blood, despite certain aspects of it that disagree with me, I hated the Twilight books with a passion. I have always found Bella to be a vapid, selfish, empty character. That’s another thing that perplexes me – what on earth does Edward see in her? Bella seemingly has no dreams, no aspirations, no goals – except to bag the beautiful and conveniently wealthy Edward Cullen.
Bella being rescued yet again...
The Twilight books are full of incidents that trouble me:
::Edward spends all his nights sneaking into Bella’s room and watching her sleep before they’ve even met. Creepy!
::Bella seems to have no interests in life outside of her relationship with Edward.
::Edward’s beauty is described in detail over and over and over again. I don’t remember any descriptions of his moral fortitude, but what’s more important? Apparently, physical beauty.
::When Edward breaks up with Bella, she becomes catatonic for months.
::Bella is constantly in danger and does not seem capable of protecting herself or even making choices that keep her out of danger. On the contrary, she deliberately puts herself in the path of danger in order to feel closer to Edward. Meanwhile, both Edward and Jacob consider it their full-time job to protect Bella. As the series goes on, the story becomes a repetitive cycle of predators threatening Bella and her fleet of bodyguards growing with every turn of the page.
::Edward is rich. Bella is working class. Need I say more?
::Bella literally cannot wait to get married, and within days of her marriage, she is pregnant and on bed rest. Her frail body cannot handle incubating a vampire baby and she is slowly eaten alive from the inside out. As Edward gives her an emergency C-section – with his teeth – he realizes she will not survive and finally gives Bella what she wanted. He makes her into a vampire, essentially taking her away from everything she ever loved – including her human family and friends. Regrets? Sadness for what she’s lost? Nope. She’s thrilled to throw all that away for her new, adoring, protective, wealthy husband and his family.
Bella protected by not one, but two men.
Is it just me or is this a disturbing story that our young girls have become obsessed with? It doesn’t realistically portray love and sets up girls to have expectations that will never be met. How many are fantasizing about a boyfriend who watches them sleep, ever-protective? Oh my. They won’t be happy to find that a normal human would find that BORING. And to have someone watching you sleep every night? Creepy!
There’s also an aspect of this story that makes it sound like finding a rich husband as soon as possible (in high school, preferably) is the only way to escape from the dangers of world. Are we still living in a world that ultimately believes that women are only safe and fulfilled and happy if they have the constant protection of a male partner?
Now I’m not saying that being married or having kids isn’t a wonderful, empowering choice for a woman. I absolutely believe in the joys of marriage and motherhood. My only complaint about Bella’s choice is that she did not seem to have any interests at all beyond Edward. So what kind of choice is that?
Author Leonard Sax believes that our tendency to “ignore” gender roles in this society has led to young men and women embracing more traditional gender roles. “Three decades of adults pretending that gender doesn’t matter haven’t created a generation of feminists who don’t need men; they have instead created a horde of girls who adore the traditional male and female roles and relationships in the “Twilight” saga. Likewise, ignoring gender differences hasn’t created a generation of boys who muse about their feelings while they work on their scrapbooks… [but who] spend much of their free time absorbed in the masculine mayhem of video games such as Grand Theft Auto and Halo or surfing the Internet for pornography.”
I’m not sure I agree with that. From my perspective, it seems like nothing much has changed in terms of our society’s perception of gender roles. I don’t believe we have “pretended that gender doesn’t matter” at all. I’ll have more to say on this subject later this week.
But back to the vampires. What do you think of this trend and how vampire fiction portrays feminism?
I’ll leave you with a little fun – a remix of Twilight and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s hilarious.
Yep, you knew it had to come – the discussion about makeup*. Empowering? Or does it make us a slave to vanity and sexual objectivity?
I actually love makeup, which may surprise some of you. Yes, me, Miss Sneakers-and-Cotton-Panties. I love makeup.
I think that it’s wonderful that we have the option of playing with colors and lines and shadows to enhance our features. Makeup speaks to the artist in me, and probably in all of us! It’s just plain fun.
Fun or not, though, I never wore much makeup. I started out a little besotted with it, though the feeling didn’t last. At 11, I begged my mother to let me buy an eyeshadow compact that contained 10 different colors. She graciously allowed me to have it so long as I promised to only wear the eyeshadow on weekends – never at school. And I obeyed, slathering electric blue eyeshadow on my eyelids every Saturday morning. (What can I say – it was the 80′s.) At 12, she let me buy clear mascara – a purchase that made me feel so grown up because I was allowed to wear it to school.
Oddly, when I turned 16 and was allowed to wear makeup regularly, I lost all interest in it. I sometimes wore mascara to school, but that’s it. The only things I faithfully applied were concealer, foundation and powder.
This trend continued until I was about 28 and met a woman who always came to work wearing the most beautiful, color-coordinated makeup. Around this time, mineral makeup was becoming the rage, and my mother was having a ball buying BareEscentuals products for me on QVC. And I wasn’t complaining!
I started dating someone some time later, and was suddenly very aware of my face. Or should I say, my makeup. For the first time in my life, I was hyper-vigilant about wearing makeup and keeping it looking fresh all day long. I’d sneak into bathrooms on dates to make sure my mascara wasn’t running or that my blush was still shimmery.
One night, after I washed my face, I looked in the mirror and was not thrilled with what I saw. I thought my eyes looked awful without the makeup. The feeling of dissatisfaction alarmed me – I had never felt inadequate without makeup on before.
Not long after that, I had another unsettling experience. My boyfriend was talking on the phone while waiting for me to get ready for a date and, not wanting to interrupt his conversation, I slid him a note saying, “What kind of makeup should I wear tonight? The usual? Or something hot and spicy?” He scribbled something down as he was talking and slid the paper back to me. It read: “NONE!!!” He wasn’t a big fan of makeup and had been encouraging me not to wear it all the time. After reading that note, I decided to go for it. And once again, I was disturbed by how hard it was! I was so scared he would think I wasn’t very pretty. (And keep in mind, even though I wore makeup every day, I did not wear a lot of it.)
That was my second wake up call, and I decided to listen to it. This was also around the time I started “going natural” with my routine – making my own shampoo, discontinuing my use of harsh chemicals, etc. I had already felt that perhaps it was not good for my skin to absorb so much makeup every single day. And after realizing just how inadequate I felt without wearing it, I knew I had to take a serious look at it.
Some of you may remember my Naked Face Campaign from last year. I encouraged women to wear less makeup and to do something radical – send me a picture of themselves with no makeup on! The plan was to make a collage of all of us. You can see me here, and Melanie, of My Magical Journey, here. I also got a few photos from brave readers but in the end, I did not receive enough to make a collage. (I think I have a total of four pictures, including me and Melanie!)
So all this brings me to a familiar point – as much as I love makeup, how does it become such a crutch to our vanity? (And please understand, I’m using “our” in a generic way – I’m not suggesting every woman has a problem being in public without makeup.) Do we have to wear it to be considered sexy? Do we have to avoid it to be considered empowered?
I’m going to do something I don’t normally do in these posts and answer these questions myself. NO on both counts. I definitely think we can wear it or not wear it and just be our own amazing selves.
However, I think makeup disempowers us when we begin to dislike the “naked face” we see in the mirror. If we don’t feel pretty without it, then I think we’re on dangerous ground. On that same note, I think it becomes disempowering when we wear too much makeup most of the time. (Not to name names, but Kim Kardashian comes to mind, fake lashes and all. I find her much prettier without makeup.) Can you go to bed without makeup on? Has your partner seen you without makeup? If we can’t accept the way our faces look without embellishment, then again, I think makeup becomes more dangerous than helpful.
Is it just me or is she way prettier without all the embellishment?
Yet when a dab of blush or swish of mascara or touch of lipstick gives you an extra boost of confidence? Well, that’s just awesome!
What do you think?
*Please note that I decided not to discuss the potentially hazardous chemicals in some makeup products, or anything related to that topic since I feel I have covered that in past posts – and will likely revisit that in the future!
Unlike my last two posts, I don’t have a strong, hard opinion about sexy underwear – for the most part. As always, I think if it makes you sexy, go for it. And the best part is – it doesn’t (hopefully) hurt to wear lingerie (like high heels), nor do you have to alter your body in order to wear it (as with bikini waxes – though I know some people who wax so they look good in their thongs). In this post, I simply want to discuss the psycho-sexual issues of lingerie, as well as talk about one of my favorite subjects: comfort!
Cultural icon Victoria's Secret
So let’s jump right in: Why do we wear lingerie? I suspect the first answers to these questions will be similar to the questions about why we wear high heels or wax our lady bits: because it makes us feel sexy and empowered. But again, WHY do we feel sexy and empowered by these rituals? Because they make us sexy and empowered, as defined by our culture? Can we truly remove the feeling of being sexy and empowered from the cultural strings that are attached to those feelings? Why, for instance, couldn’t you (why shouldn’t you?) feel sexy and empowered in a pair of white, cotton panties?
Once again, I think this issue is worth exploring. While there is certainly nothing at all wrong with wearing sexy lingerie, it is interesting to trace our desire to wear to it back to its origin. Is it a true desire of our heart, or cultural conditioning?
Personally, this is yet another societal definition of beauty and empowerment that I reject – though purely for the reason of comfort, not to make any feminist statements! Fancy underwear is pretty, to be sure. But it is often a little on the un-supportive side. If you have a large chest like me, it can be impossible to find ANY bra in a store – and when you do find one, you grab it, lacy and sexy or not! Frankly, I need a lot of coverage and strap support and that isn’t always super sexy – but it does the job I need it to do, and I’m not complaining.
As far as panties go, it seems we have to choose between cotton blends (generally classified as not-so-sexy) or synthetic fabrics. Panties made from synthetic fabrics tend to be more attractive, I admit – lacy, shimmery. However, I hate the feel of those fabrics on my skin. Give me cotton any day! And thongs? Forget it! I do not find thongs the slightest bit sexy. In the movie Because I Said So, Diane Keaton’s character defends her “granny panties” by saying, “…this underwear enhances the female form, highlighting the elegance of the waist and making the legs appear longer, instead of the…awful…foreshortening aspect of a thong, which breaks up the body disproportionately.” Honestly, I couldn’t agree with her more. I think thongs cut the body in a way that is unflattering. I also don’t feel that it does anything to enhance the bum – and if you have a slightly chubby butt like mine, then why wear something that makes it look worse? Further…I cannot stand the whole “floss” thing, if you know what I mean. I know many women who say thongs are the most comfortable underwear they’ve ever tried, but how is that possible? Do you just get used to it working its way…in? I never could tolerate that, especially when I ride my bicycle so often. Ick.
Is it just me or are thongs just not flattering to a woman's body?
So for me, its full-coverage bras and nice cotton panties. And I feel perfectly “sexy” in my choice of underwear.
But this brings me to another question. Why does it seem like all feminist arguments boil down to sexiness? One school of thought says that bringing the issue of sexiness into feminism demeans us as women, stripping us of our souls, our intellect, all the things that make us HUMAN (not just female). Others ask why we shouldn’t use feminism to embrace our sexiness and play with it.
When posing for a GQ spread wearing lingerie in 2010, Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly had this to say about feminism: “I don’t really love that word. That connotes a harshness and almost a shrillness that I find unattractive… I respect women like Gloria Steinem who paved the way. But when you say ‘feminist’ now, there is a message that if you are sexy and you acknowledge that part of your personality publicly, then it’s somehow an affront to women. And I reject that.”
Megyn Kelly of Fox News
I, too, reject any notion of feminism that tries to take away our ability to celebrate our sexuality, but I think sexuality and sexiness are two vastly different things. Here, I think Kelly is talking about sexiness. She’s talking about her choice to pose in lingerie and still be considered a strong woman. I certainly think that a woman should be able to “be sexy” in any way she likes and not have it compromise her feminity or her strength. But, again, I simply question the issue of sexiness. What makes only certain things “sexy” and why is the definition of “sexy” so rigid? You don’t see any women doing features in men’s magazines in which they are seductively draped in their plaid pajamas or white cotton panties. So who defines what is sexy for women?
Sometimes, I feel that lingerie is a “buy-in.” In other words, there are often things we feel we have to do as humans (and sometimes, specifically as females) to “buy in” to something. To buy in to feeling sexy, for instance. Or, in one case, to buy in to do what we want to do, like some of the ladies on the Lingerie Football League. Team member JJ Thacker said, “We want to play football and let’s be honest, we’re not going to bring people to our game without some sort of gimmick. Maybe one day we’ll be playing fully clothed, but right now I want to play football so I’ll play in whatever you put me in.” Is this a “buy-in” that’s worth the price? Do we still live in a world that forces us to play the game in order to get what we want?
Again, please let me say that I really have no problem with lingerie, in general, and certainly not with the choice to wear it. I have issues with waxing and high heels, my two previous topics, because those are potentially dangerous and certainly painful beauty props/rituals. But lingerie? No problem. If you like it – go for it! However, now that I’ve got you on this topic – what do you think about the relationship between lingerie and “sexiness?” Is it organic, or the product of cultural programing? If you think it’s the latter, then how does that affect female empowerment?
First of all, my apologies for taking a week off the blog in the middle of the feminism series. Posts like the last two take a long, long time to write and I haven’t had any time recently to keep going. Until today! Hopefully, I can bang out a few more posts and have them set to publish over the next ten days or so.
As for this post, I wanted to write a quick follow-up to the last one on the subject of bikini waxes. It was one of the most-visited posts I have ever written on this blog and I think it brought in even more comments than my past giveaways! People definitely had a lot to say.
Everyone made really good points on one side of the debate or the other, and I found myself sometimes vacillating wildly as I responded to each one. Some people said that going bald was a gift to their partner – a way of honoring their partner’s preference as well as making certain intimate acts more “palatable.” Others said there is never a reason to alter our looks for another human being no matter how much we love them – we are who we are and we should be accepted in the package in which we came.
I kinda agree with both points. As far as compromises go, don’t we make them all the time for lovers, physically, emotionally, mentally? I could give a lot of examples of this, but will refrain in order to keep this post from getting too long, but think of your past relationships and how many times you altered something about yourself on any level in order to meet your partner halfway. In a way, changing our bodies is the same thing, isn’t it? Yet at the same time, I do want to hold on to the beautiful truth that we are loveable and attractive in just the package we came in. I want to hold on to the truth that our bodies were designed by a beautiful Creator (as you understand Him/Her/It) and therefore, reflect that divine beauty in every nook and cranny.
Another argument was cleanliness – that “going bald” is cleaner, or that it makes keeping our nether regions clean easier. Others asked why we need to remove what’s there in order to keep this area clean. After all, pubic hair is a functioning part of an intensely intelligent, self-cleaning area of our bodies. Again, I understand the argument for cleanliness – especially for those of you who use pads (cloth or commercial). However, do we really need to be bald to be clean? I don’t know. One reader suggested bidets for this issue, which is think is great, no matter how much or how little hair you have.
As for one of my biggest issues with going hairless – the psychological-sexual implications of being a grown woman with genitals that look like a little girl’s and how many men in our culture are aroused by that – seemed to be disturbing to EVERYONE. Not surprising! The only debate was whether or not this was a “niche opinion” among males. Niche opinion or not, it still worries me that it’s out there at all. And I can’t help but wonder how much more prevalent it will become as the porn industry expands throughout the internet, airing this trend of hairless female genitalia.
And again, our girls, the next generation of young women coming of age – it is for them that I worry the most. We have enough limiting cultural definitions of beauty for them to struggle with. Do they need this, too? To worry about how their bodies will appear to a lover? To feel that they have to have their pubic hair ripped out by its roots in order to be attractive?
As for you readers, according to my polls, about 79% of you never go bare down there. Seventeen percent of you sometimes remove all your hair, and 4% of you keep yourselves hairless all the time. A whopping 79% of you felt that this trend is damaging to women, 11% were indifferent, believing it was another trend that would eventually pass, and 10% of you indicated that your feelings fell in the “Other” category.
I guess we’ll all have to wait and see how this plays out in our current cultural atmosphere. But I can’t help but hope that one day, we can embrace everything about our bodies with love, respect and acceptance from everyone.
Thanks so much to all of you who took the time to write such thoughtful, interesting comments on this subject. I appreciate all of your feedback!
