RtL: My History

This is a post I’ve been promising for a good year now, and one I sat down to write dozens of times. I guess it just had to wait until I was ready!

There was a lot of debate last year about whether or not my philosophy of radical self-acceptance was really healthy. Shouldn’t we try to improve ourselves? If we are overweight, shouldn’t we lose the weight? Is self-acceptance just complacency in disguise?

I wanted to reveal my own struggles with this issue in more detail many times in order to help readers understand where I was coming from and why I am so committed to radical self-acceptance.  But it took a long time to work up the guts to write about it. However, I finally did it! Here’s my story:

As a child, I was lean, strong and active. I thank my lucky stars that I was born just before computers and cable TV and so playing outside or reading were really the only two options a child had for fun. I bicycled, ran, jumped, swam and climbed in our SoCal neighborhood and liked to think of myself as the strongest, fastest girl in my class.

It is amazing to me how quickly things changed. At 10, when I was in 5^th grade, I began to gain weight and honestly, I looked like a chicken nugget – oval, with little round bits here and there. I suddenly felt stuck to the earth and had pains in my knees and ankles. I developed asthma and lost my speed and any desire I had once had to be active. There was a clique of very popular girls in the 6^th grade at my school who made fun of me when we played baseball during PE. They called me Slowpoke, Fatty, and Little Pig. That was the first time I started feeling ashamed of my body. (Don’t we all have a moment like that? What a shame.)

Looking like a little nugget at age 11.

At 12, all my chicken nugget fat quite suddenly relocated and left me looking like a 21-year-old. That year, my family moved from SoCal to Albuquerque – a major culture shock for me. I had spent almost all my childhood in sheltered private schools and suddenly, I found myself in a huge, public middle school where I was one of four blondes in the entire 7^th grade.

The girls there either loved me or hated me – there was nothing in between, and those who loved me didn’t tend to love me for long. The boys were the worst, though. It started with the boy whose locker was underneath mine. He would literally slide down the hall like a baseball player in order to land between my legs so he could look up my skirt. I remember the first time this happened, I was so shocked and ashamed. I yelped and looked to my female neighbor for help and she just shrugged and said, “Typical Bobby. He always pulls that crap.” Her reaction taught me that I wasn’t supposed to make a big deal of it, so I learned to hold my knees tight together when at my locker and to try to ignore Bobby.

As time went on, though, things got worse. Another boy who shared a class with me would wait for me in the hall, run up behind me, grab my bra strap and snap it against my back. I tried so hard to be tough that I would yell at him and chase him into our classroom, only to get in trouble with the teacher. There was also a group of boys who rode my bus who would corner me in the halls and grab either my sweater or my boots, wrangle them off me, and run through the halls throwing my stolen clothes or shoes over their heads, laughing as they went.

I started “going steady” with someone that year, but promptly broke it off when he made it clear he wanted to start kissing. I wasn’t ready for that, and was very honest about it. After we broke up, he told all his friends, and when I got on the bus, they’d chant, “Prude! Prude! Prude!”

Age 12, the last year I had a normal relationship with food.

In class, other boys caught on to the bra snapping gig, which seemed infinitely more appealing to them, once I had been labeled a prude. One boy, who had verbally bullied me for months once snapped my bra so hard that it left a welt on my back. He even had the gumption to do this during class. I was so fed up that I turned around and slapped him across the face as hard as I could. I was stunned when he slapped my face right back. And guess who got in trouble for that one? Yep, me.

Outside of school was just as confusing. I was often hit on by men in their twenties, thirties and even forties. At the time, I was convinced that they just thought I was in my twenties and didn’t realize I was only 12. Of course, I look back now and wonder…maybe they did know…

As you can imagine, by that point, my body was nothing but a source of pain and confusion. I had this feeling of wanting to be liked and thought of as desirable. Yet I also saw that the result of being considered desireable was that I had no control over my body – it became public property.

My parents came in and talked to the principal, who said, “Boys will be boys.” After that, I started moving from one school to the next, sometimes three in one school year, in order to try to avoid the sexual harassment and bullying.

Five schools later, in 10^th grade, I was at a public high school that scared the crap out of me. It was the biggest school I’d ever attended and there were kids there who looked like they were 30 years old and could beat me to death. It was there that I learned how to become invisible.

From my past experience, it seemed that being thin and pretty were two guaranteed ways to draw unwanted attention to oneself. So I remedied that by wearing my father’s old jeans and button-down shirts every day (which were hugely baggy on me) and not wearing makeup. I felt that I had no control over what happened to me in the outside world, so I countered that by developing some dangerous eating habits. I would nearly starve myself all day long, from morning until 4PM, and when I was finally free of school for the day, I would binge. My favorite binge foods were four toaster waffles or three steak burritos, both of which my parents often bought from Price Club. Three hours later, I’d have a big dinner and hefty dessert. I gained about 30 pounds during this time.

Age 17, nearing 50 pounds overweight and well into the “potato sack” clothing phase.

By 19, I had moved to Oregon with my family and after four more years of bullying, social isolation and school problems, I was a mess. My beloved uncle died unexpectedly that year of a hereditary heart problem and I became so overwhelmed with fear and anxiety that my eating problems reached a whole new level, elevating me another 10 pounds. I went to the gynecologist for the first time that year, about 40 pounds overweight (though being 5’7”, I didn’t *look* that heavy) and my doctor told me I was obese and that if I didn’t immediately lose the weight, I would die of a heart attack. After having just lost my uncle so unexpectedly, I freaked out more and gained yet another 10 pounds.

At 23, my health problems were getting pretty bad and I decided to try a vegan diet. Back then, there were no vegan packaged foods, no fake meats, nothing. I basically ate beans, bread, rice and veggies. I lost at least 50 pounds in about a month, and this weight loss triggered an immense panic in me. I found ways to “veganize” desserts and started baking and eating sweets nonstop. I got to the point where I was hiding cookies and candies in my closet and eating 10-15 servings of dessert foods in one sitting. Then I would spend five or six hours a day working out, in a desperate attempt to keep from gaining the weight back. As you can imagine, the rest of my life stopped. There was no college, no friends, no dating, no job. Nothing but eating and working out.

Age 23, after dramatic weight loss (that didn’t last)

I was so out of control that I couldn’t even contain my emotions. I was constantly crying and breaking down in front of my mother and sister, begging them to tell me how to stop myself from behaving that way. Finally, my whole family confronted me with an intervention. My parents wanted to send me to an eating disorder camp and I was so lost that I agreed to go. I knew I needed help. However, they could not find a place that would accept anyone who didn’t have anorexia or bulimia, so we settled on plain old therapy.

At this point, the story simply becomes one of a young woman who spent her early adulthood in recovery, working through years and years of you-know-what (many more incidents that I didn’t mention here for the sake of brevity). And I’m still in recovery, hence why I write about this subject so often.

The reason I decided to write about this is simply to explain why I am so adamant that we accept ourselves just the way we are now. No cheating (“I accept myself, but I still want to lose weight,” or “I accept myself, but I wish I was thinner”). No mind games, no word games, no attempts to be politically correct while, on the inside, we are running the same story.

This is what I learned from my history with eating problems:

ONE: We really don’t have control over the way we look. (We like to think we do, but we don’t.)

TWO: It’s a waste of time to fret about our appearance.

THREE: We will never ever ever find that perfect weight. There will always be something else we think we need to do to improve the way we look. If it’s not our weight, then it’s our hair, our skin, our ____.

FOUR: The more we withhold love from ourselves, the more we withhold from others and the more we miss out on life.

There’s a lot more to all this, of course (most of which I’ve written about in past RtL posts), but this is the gist. In the near future, I’ll be posting about how I did on the RtL Challenge last year. In the meantime, what is your story? What keeps you from total self-acceptance?

Resolve to Love #12: Who are you?

I can’t believe how fast this challenge (heck, this year) has gone by. It seems like just yesterday that I first wrote about it. And now here we are in Month 12, wrapping it up.

The challenge for this month is to ask yourself this question: Who are you? Really?

I have come to realize that I strongly identify myself as a fat, unattractive person who clumsily bumbles through life. I quite literally created this persona for myself as a defense mechanism in middle school. (More on that in a future post.) There were also people in my life for a time who shared my body type and my self-esteem struggles and in order to show love and support, I felt I had to live out my life similar to theirs. If I lost weight, in my perspective, I’d be betraying them.

But who am I, really? I think the temptation is to answer this question by saying, “I’m not a fat person. I’m not chubby and dorky. I’m not a out of control and disorganized. On the inside, I’m beautiful and smart and thin and in control.” But that’s not what I’m asking.

Who are you? REALLY?

Yes, it’s important to identify the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. It’s important to examine those stories and to throw out what isn’t working. But don’t stop there, and don’t be tempted to see losing weight as the ultimate step in self-empowerment. (Believe me, you can lose weight and still tell yourself the same story – that you are fat and unsuccessful. And you’ll end up right where you started.)

It’s the bigger picture I’m going for here. If we identify our insides by our outsides then we will always struggle. Who we are is not determined by our weight, our bodies, or even our physical health. Even if you identify yourself as a super healthy, motivated, driven, ambitious, determined, strong person who has a strict workout schedule – what happens if you injure yourself and have to take a month off training? What if you gain ten pounds during that time? Are you no longer driven, strong, healthy and motivated?

And if you are on the heavier side, are you identifying who you are with what society says heavier people are? Lazy? Unmotivated? Unhealthy? Unattractive? Slow? Clumsy? Is that who you really are?

What you really are is divine. What does that divinity mean to you? Can you see it? Believe it? Or do you only see the outer package? Do you believe your outer package trumps the inner divinity? Why or why not? What do your actions say about your beliefs?

This last month is a time to go inward, a time for a lot of thinking, meditating and journaling. Who are you really?

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, either this month or after the holidays! In the meantime, stay tuned for my own RtL story and a year-end wrap-up!

Resolve to Love #11: Feed Your Soul

I thought I would be able to post a lot more about last month’s challenge, but I simply didn’t have the time. But I do have at least one post coming up about RtL #10. Stay tuned!

Until then, we are getting close to wrapping it up! Two more challenges, including this one (which seems impossible – where does the time go?!). This month’s challenge is to feed your soul.

Copyright: Five Seed

Maybe this is the wrong time of year to focus on self-care – or maybe the timing is actually JUST RIGHT. With the holiday season starting up, it’s going to be pretty easy to over-schedule, over-work, over-extend. It seems like a rest, a reward, to plop down in front of the TV and just enjoy the media coma. It’s easy to grab whatever sweet treats are around at this time of year (pie, brownies, cookies, candy) to curb our between-meal hunger. Who has time to stop and cook something? Unfortunately, neither of these things counts as feeding the soul, even though one is rest and one is indulgence. Rest and indulgence is good, but not if it numbs you, instead of feeding you.

This challenge is going to be tough because it’s going to require a lot of listening to yourself – something that’s not easy to do at this time of year. What do you need? What will nourish you? A nap? Carving out time to read a good book? Taking a tea break? Spending down time with your kids? Taking a walk/bike ride/run? Meditating? Yoga? Going out to dinner with your partner?

It seems like the nourishing option is often the one we don’t choose, in favor of the “coma” option (watching TV, playing a computer game, mindlessly eating processed snack food, etc.). For some reason, it is hard to make the healthier choice.

Here’s a list of the “food for the soul” that I’ve been working into my days:

1. Drinking tea, three times a day (my high-calcium blend twice daily and whatever else I feel I need – licorice root, goldenrod, red clover blossom – somewhere in the middle of the day)

2. Kombucha tea in place of sweets (an expensive substitute, but worth it)

3. Reading almost every night

4. Going home right after work to rest and cutting back on social time – I’ve just been too tired lately

5. Making fresh veggie/fruit juices whenever possible

6. Cutting back on commitments

7. Making sure I get some exercise in at least four times a week (bicycling, yoga, walking the dog)

8. Meditating several times a week (still working on keeping it up every day!)

9. Listening to uplifting podcasts while I’m working around the house instead of turning on Netflix

10. Journaling

What food for the soul are you going to give yourself this month?

Resolve to Love #10: Don’t Eat Your Pain

Before jumping into this month’s challenge, I just want to thank you all for the amazingly kind responses I got to my post about my recent health and business problems. I literally feel like I have been able to stand up again and start to gather my strength. Thank you, all!!

It seems as we get closer to the end of the year, the lessons in this challenge are getting pretty tough. I have gone through a lot with this challenge and as time has passed, larger issues have opened up to me – including this one.

Throughout my childhood, I dealt with some painful issues that I didn’t feel it was okay to talk about. (Thankfully, there was no physical abuse involved, but there was still a lot of pain and a lot of silence on my part.) I never realized this before now. I just thought I was always a shy wallflower and my silence was part of my personality.

However, I’ve noticed a pattern in myself recently in which my struggles are endured in silence. Every now and then, I drop an emotional email bomb on a poor, unsuspecting friend or family member (usually one who is not involved in the situation that is upsetting me), in an attempt to vent and/or ask for help. Though I never actually ask for the help. I just hope that the person will be able to read my mind and the subtext of the ridiculously emotional email and say, “Hey, she needs help!”

Well, it only took me 36 years to figure out that it’s super easy to silence yourself by eating your emotions and then stuffing them down, if they threaten to come back up, with a little food. Or a lot of food. Of course, this isn’t totally new to me – I’ve struggled with every eating disorder in the book and spent years in recovery. But what I excavated is what everyone who deals with compulsive or addictive behaviors digs up: that we behave that way to dull the pain of whatever we are dealing with – body image issues, self-esteem problems, difficult family history, etc. And like a good little student of recovery, I’ve explored my past and continue to try to make better choices that aren’t reactions to situations that are no longer happening.

And yet, it never occurred to me that it wasn’t just the old issues coming up. It’s also about how I silence and isolate myself. The initial response to the pain has always been at the forefront – it was easy to identify the eating disorders, after all. But the silence, my secondary response – that is something I never recognized until this year.

So what would happen if we stop eating our words? Stop eating our emotions? Stop eating our selves? All with the usual chaser of chocolate or potato chips, or whatever your *thing* is? What would happen then?

Truth be told, I don’t know, nor do I know how to stop eating my feelings and start speaking up. This is a particularly sensitive issue for me because I am a private person and I value discretion. Further, I find it difficult to distinguish between what is appropriate to say and what communication won’t serve the highest potential of all involved.

I think this is definitely one of those multiple post issues, so I’ll leave it at this and look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas.

Resolve to Love #9: Chew…for a very long time

This challenge is going to be simple pimple – because there are a couple of gritty, get-down-to-business RtL challenges to come. This one, however, is so easy, that this post will be pretty darn short!

In August, I came down with a wicked case of oral thrush – something I’ve never had before. I could not believe the pain and discomfort I experienced. For a couple days, eating was a nightmare – every bite, every swallow was so painful. I had to chew so incredibly slowly that I was always the last one at the table. I often couldn’t even finish my meals. At first, I thought this was a result of the pain…until I realized it was because I had reached an appropriate level of fullness and the pain of eating was more intense than the pleasure of eating just one more bite.

In just a few short days, I learned that I needed about 1/3 of the food I normally eat in order to satisfy my hunger. ONE THIRD. There are oh-so-many reasons why I eat so much more than I need (some of which I will touch on in future posts), but one of them, the most simple, is that I rush. And who doesn’t? Our schedules are packed and we live in a culture of fast food. Microwave it and slurp it down while driving, texting, watching TV…whatever. Hurry hurry hurry.

I actually started noticing this earlier this year, when I was shoveling my breakfast into my mouth, even though I knew I had enough time to eat before work. I just felt like I had to hurry. So I started sitting down at the dining room table, all by myself, trying to eat as slowly as possible. And it was a surprisingly difficult process – I had to constantly remind myself to CHEW and put the darn fork down between bites!

As simple as this challenge is, you may find it difficult. Slowing down is not always easy. The busiest time of year is starting – kids going off to school and the holidays creeping up on us… So it’s not necessarily going to be a breeze. New routines may have to be established. You may have to get into the habit of sitting at the table, even if you’re alone. You may need to get out a napkin and put it on your lap. You may need to stop microwaving frozen dinners and making something from scratch, instead. But just start simple: Put your fork down and chew.

Dress So You Feel Beautiful

I intended to write this “amendment” to this month’s challenge a long time ago, but boy, this month has been busy! So I’m a little late and the month’s challenge is almost over, except that I never consider these monthly challenges *over.* I consider them to be a set of tasks that I work on and explore over and over and over again. So…

I wanted to be clear about what I meant in this month’s RtL post. I entitled it Dress Beautifully, which I think might have been slightly misunderstood. I used the example of wearing my “fat pants” during my seminar in Portland and feeling insecure and (honestly) fat and ugly, and I related the story of seeing blogger Christa Taylor walk by in a beautiful dress one night and realizing that I could have saved myself the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing by just dressing nicely. I didn’t mean to imply that this challenge equated self-respect with wearing a dress. Or makeup. Or high heels. You all know how I feel about dressing for comfort. And about makeup. And high heels.

So upon thinking it over, I realized a better title for the challenge would have been the title of this post: Dress So You Feel Beautiful. Your definition of beautiful is all that matters. For me, it wouldn’t have taken much to put on a casual skirt or to wear a shirt that made me feel better about myself during my Portland trip. It wouldn’t have taken much more effort, nor would I have been uncomfortable in different clothes. In fact, I can’t even explain why I consistently choose to wear my two pairs of baggy, unflattering pants and T shirts instead of all the beautiful, breezy blouses I have or the gorgeous, comfortable, custom-made organic cotton skirts I have been investing in these past two years. Laziness? Lack of self-confidence? A little of both?

This is how I usually dress for work. It’s comfortable and easy to wear – just as comfy and easy as my baggy pants!

My point is: It doesn’t ultimately matter what you wear, as long as what you wear makes you feel good about yourself and how you are presenting yourself to the world. I don’t care if you like wearing sweats, yoga pants or ripped flannel shirts – or suits, pencil skirts or platform sandals. As long as you feel good about yourself, wear it with pride. And if you don’t feel beautiful, if you don’t feel that you are putting a little effort into your appearance, if you don’t feel you are presenting yourself in a way that shows your true self to the world – then change it. And it often doesn’t take much. Add a scarf. Wear a little blush. Put on some earrings. Choose a different pair of pants. Try anything.

This continues to be a challenge for me. Those baggy, ugly pants are so tempting to wear. And I do often wear them around the house. However, I’m challenging myself to take a few extra steps when I go out. Whether it was running errands or meeting friends at the coffee shop, this month I have tried to dress as if I’m going to work (and lucky for me, my work dress code is somewhat casual). I pulled out my pretty skirts and wore them with simple T shirts and added scarves or necklaces or something to spice it up. And I felt good. And I know it showed because people consistently commented that I looked nice. I didn’t need the compliments and am not suggesting that we dress for others’ approval. But the compliments reinforce what we already know when we take the time to pick clothing that makes us feel good about ourselves – that we are lovely, beautiful beings of light.

Don’t be afraid to change your closet. So many of us have set up a shrine to our “skinny selves” in our closets. Eighty percent of our clothes are what we wore in college or pre-motherhood or whenever. We are larger now and don’t like that, and so we buy a piece here and there because we have to have something to wear – but the other 80% of our wardrobe is too small, waiting around until we finally lose that weight. Screw that! I gave away my skinny pants last year and never looked back. It doesn’t mean you won’t ever be that size again – but don’t dishonor who you are today. Today is all that matters when you get up and have to get dressed, after all. Don’t you, today, deserve to wear something that fits you and makes you feel good?

How are you doing with this challenge?

Resolve to Love #8: Dress Beautifully

I had hoped to write this ahead of time, as I did with my monthly bicycle post so it could be posted while I was out of town last week, but alas – I couldn’t get it all done! And maybe I’m glad of that – because this lesson is different than the one I had in mind before my trip. This lesson is truly going to be a challenge for me.

As many of you know, though I love fashion, I tend to dress for comfort above all else – and finding a balance between comfy clothing and pretty clothing is often hard for me to strike. I’d prefer to be comfy and able to ride my bike and play with my students and walk around town and get sweaty and dirty and not worry about high heels that make my feet hurt or silk blouses that would be ruined by sweat or fancy dresses that might get caught in my bicycle chain. And yet, when I dress the way I feel like dressing, I often end up regretting it. I go out in public and feel frumpy, fat and/or downright ugly and it robs me of my confidence.

This lesson was never more apparent to me than when I was in Portland last week for an educational seminar. I knew it was going to be long hours, hard work, never-ending commutes and hot days, so I did what I normally do: defaulted to my comfy, but ugly clothing items. I had my classic sage green cargo pants which are super comfy but aren’t very flattering, clunky sneakers, and an array of loose, unspectacular t-shirts. I didn’t bring a single accessory that I’m famous for at work: scarves, necklaces, etc.

Lessons learned in Portland. Copyright: Five Seed

When I arrived at the first class, I was instantly ready to sink back against the wall. Though everyone was dressed pretty casually, they all had lovely outfits on. Cute flats with a pair of jeans, a pretty skirt with sandals, scarves and tank tops, and the like. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I looked fat and ugly, which affected how I interacted with everyone there.

On Friday night, after an entire week of trying to avoid talking to my classmates or drawing any attention to myself due to my embarrassment by how frumpy I looked, I attempted to dress up for the First Friday event on Clinton, where my sister-in-law has a store (Tangible Gifts). Being as my products were going to be featured there, I attempted to dress up as much as possible with a skirt I bought just for the occasion. Yet still, in my not-so-pretty sandals and droopy shirt, I felt fat and frumpy. It was hot, too, which was making me sweaty and thus, even more self-conscious.

When my brother and I were standing outside, trying to get people to enter a giveaway for a free tonka lip balm, I saw a beautiful young woman in a white dress walk by with one of the most self-confident attitudes I had ever seen. I’m pretty sure it was Christa Taylor, a Portland-based fashion/Christian blogger, which absolutely cracked me up – in a big city like Portland, what are the chances that I would cross paths with (and recognize) someone I’d only known from a blog?!

But the point is, Christa is one of those bloggers who writes about the importance of dressing well and projecting a confident, beautiful exterior to the world, both for oneself, and, in her case, as an expression of the standards of her faith. I have to say, I was struck by this sighting (whether it was Christa or not – and I’m pretty sure it was). Just a few feet away from me sat dozens of stunningly beautiful, classic Portland “hipsters.” The difference between them and Christa was palpable. I wouldn’t have taken notice of any of the young women sitting at The Press Club tables next to me – they looked like any other young woman in her twenties – youthful, stylish, super thin, and emitting that oddly paradoxical combination of arrogance and insecurity. Christa, however, was wearing a classically-cut dress and the most exceptional thing about her was her attitude – confident but open without a hint of false bravado or forced style. Her outfit seemed like a reflection of her inner self.

There it was: that darned truth staring me in the face. Maybe it really is important to dress in a way that uplifts us and makes us feel confident. You can’t imagine how much I hate even thinking of this. I want to be able to wear ugly, old, ripped corduroys, t-shirts and sneakers and feel beautiful and confident. But I can’t. I can’t feel pretty when I see “frumpy” looking back at me in the mirror.

So the challenge this month may be easy for many of you, but not so much for me. Even now, I’m sitting here writing this wearing an old t-shirt, fleece shorts and flip-flops. No makeup, no jewelry. And that’s fine – you know I’m all about embracing ourselves without such embellishments. But maybe it’s time to make the effort to spruce myself up, even on the days when I’ll be home working. Maybe it’s time to extend the boundaries of my “taking myself seriously” project to encompass my closet…

So don’t wear your fat pants cuz they’re the only things you feel comfortable in. Don’t limit yourself cuz everything in your wardrobe is waiting for you to lose weight, or because you don’t feel good enough about yourself to dress up a little. Go buy some bigger clothes (and don’t judge yourself about it). Get up and put a little eyeliner or and a nice skirt or pair of pants. Respect and love yourself and dress accordingly.

Resolve to Love #7: Eat Like a Kid

This month’s challenge is meant to work hand-in-hand with last month’s: Eat like a kid.

Copyright: Five Seed

Here are the rules:

::If you are going to read labels on foods you want to buy/eat, you are only allowed to read the list of ingredients. No looking at the calories or grams of fat per serving.

::Absolutely NO WORRYING about calories or fat while you eat. Don’t even THINK about it. And don’t think about how many hours of cardio you will have to do to burn off what you’re currently eating.

::Eat whatever you want. Obviously, if you have dietary restrictions for health reasons, then I’m not suggesting that, say, diabetics should go on a sugar binge. But, no restricting what you can eat just because you’re worried about gaining weight. If you want an ice cream cone on a hot summer day, have one. No guilt.

::Eat with gusto. Eating is one of the greatest pleasures in life and it is meant to be enjoyed. Eat things you really like, with quality, flavorful ingredients. Pay attention to what you are eating. Take time to check in with your senses. Relish every decadent bite, whether it’s a garden salad or tira misu.

::Stop when you’re full.

I realize some of these are loaded issues. Eating what you want and stopping when you are full are pretty heavily charged actions for many of us. Believe me, I know. But I will address all of that in future posts coming this month.

But for now, all you have to do is enjoy the pleasure of eating and pay attention to what you are doing and how you feel while eating. Easier said than done, sometimes, but it’s a practice of mindfulness we all must return to again and again, even if we don’t have weight/body issues. When you get right down to it, it’s simply an act of being present and allowing ourselves to experience pleasure – something that is a huge part of radical self-acceptance.

Remember being a child and waiting all day to get that one bowl of ice cream for dessert. And enjoying every single bite. And licking the bowl. And being satisfied with that, not needing to check the fridge ten more times to see if there was something else to eat. It was an act of enjoyment. Fun. And there were no shoulds and shouldn’ts and worries and anxieties attached to the activity. The thought that we might not fit into our shorts the next day didn’t even cross our minds.

Until I can get back to this subject, check out what I wrote about my first love affair (minus my usual destructive behavioral patterns surrounding the act of eating) with food when I went to France a few years ago. And then try having a relationship with pizza:

And don’t forget to keep playing like a kid.

Resolve to Love #5: The Mental Workout

I can hardly believe that we are near the halfway point of the RtL Challenge. How are you all doing with it? Last month, I hope the posts got you thinking and maybe even stretching your perceptions. Can you accept yourself as you are right in this moment? Is self-acceptance synonymous with complacency? Or giving up on yourself? If you’ve been as much of a stickler about it as I have been, has it been hard?

I have lots to say about my own experience, but for now, let’s jump into May’s assignment. This one is piggybacking on last month’s challenge, which, hopefully, you will continue to keep as part of your everyday routine. Since we touched on “dieting” in April, we are going to focus on working out this month. But not the usual way. You won’t be pulling on sweat pants or dragging yourself to the gym. Your workout is all “upstairs.”

During the month of May, I’m asking participants to start and end their days with affirmations (or prayers if that works better for you). Your affirmations/prayers can be as long or short as you like. They can pretty much be about anything you like. The only rule is that you must create all your affirmations to be in the present tense. Avoid “not” statements, like “I will not criticize myself today.” Keep it in the affirmative. For example, “I will build myself up today.”

I asked Melanie Jade of My Magical Journey to collaborate with me on this one, as she is a wonderful spiritual coach who has truly inspired me these past few years. The affirmation she was prompted to share with my readers is simple, beautiful and says it all:

I am love.

If you want to add to this, try looking through the affirmations at her website.

I also highly recommend Marianne Williamson’s book, A Course in Weight Loss. Though I mightily hate the title, I have a feeling that was more about the publisher’s desire to sell books than Williamson’s desire to help others heal from destructive relationships with food. This book is full of amazing insight and beautiful prayers. One to try:

Dear God,

Please help me begin anew,
to rebuild my temple
and restore my body.
May I learn to eat well.
Please send angels to help me.
May angels oversee my food and sit with me while I eat.
May food,
which I have so used to hurt me,
now become a blessing
and a blessing only
in my life.
Amen

Again, you don’t have to use any of these. Make up your own – whatever works for you and makes you feel good. Your affirmation/prayer can be about your body, about food, about self-acceptance or about your inner worth. Or all of the above.

The challenge is making sure you repeat your new mantra every single morning before you get out of bed and every night before you go to sleep. And anytime you can recite it in between!

These are your new abdominal crunches, your squats, your curls. Would you ever fail to perform your weekly allotment of sun salutations? Would you skip your morning jogs? Most of us are pretty diligent about our workouts (whether we’re really disciplined or just plain afraid of what will happen to our bodies if we stop), but no workout is as important as this one.

You absolutely must commit at least one minute in the morning and one minute in the evening to repeating your affirmation/prayer. Every single day. No fail!

Are you in?

Why I am suspicious of the health goal

We have talked about health and weight loss and self-acceptance and complacency a LOT this month, and here’s just one more reason why I’m suspicious of saying that “health – not weight loss – is the goal”:

Here’s the latest Women’s Health Magazine. Health is a pretty broad term, right? But you wouldn’t know it looking at this magazine cover.

These are the issues I have with this cover:

1. Four out of the seven cover stories are about weight-loss.

2. Five out of the seven cover stories are about appearance. Of the remaining two, one is about having “hotter sex.” Apparently, our happiness and mental/emotional health is only worth 1/7 of our time and attention, while the rest is about looking good and making sex hotter.

3. Let’s face it. Like many women’s magazines on the stands these days, this one is all about sex, sexuality and sexiness. While there’s nothing wrong with any of those things in the proper context, it’s demeaning to women to be objectified by the media. Do you look at this picture and think the cover model is really healthy? Smart? Happy? Maybe. But if she’s happy, it’s cuz she’s so hot, right? And hot is healthy. Skinny is stress-reducing. Flat abs produce joy! Right?

4. I find one cover story particularly offensive: Eat, Drink & Still Shrink. Healthy, Yummy, Bikini-Friendly Ideas! Really?! I don’t even know where to begin here. Shrink, huh? Shrink. Cuz that’s what health is all about – getting smaller. And to label anything healthy as “bikini-friendly” is reductive, repressive and insulting. So health equals our ability to look sexy in a bikini? Is that the message here?

This is why I’ve been so fanatical about self-acceptance this month. We live in a culture that absolutely does not promote self-acceptance. Period. Have you noticed that even when you lose weight, suddenly, there’s something else to worry about? Teeth that aren’t exactly gleaming white. Jiggly arms that result from major weight loss. Cellulite. Large pores.

Get the picture? Our “health” magazines will always be pointing out ways to improve our appearance, rather than pointing out all the reasons we have for accepting ourselves just the way we are now. Which sounds healthier to you?