In the past two days, I’ve received some fantastic comments about my last post, Femininity and Feminism. Teri commented that, at 60, she wants to hold on to her femininity for as long as possible by taking care of her appearance and avoiding wearing “grungy” clothes (i.e. jeans and baggy T shirts). Bella (of Bella Before and After), mother of three, commented about her daily uniform of yoga pants and how she wishes she was able to enjoy wearing her saris more often. EcoGrrl talked about embracing our inner selves more completely and how that enhances our natural femininity, no matter how it is expressed. Lisa C (Nourishing My Life) mentioned that femininity can be accessed in any way, as long as one feels good about oneself. And EcoYogini emphasized that the term “feminine” isn’t physical – it’s emotional.
I have to say, these comments really hit home for me and have helped me shape my thoughts about this issue – or should I say, my personal relationship with these thoughts. I already have many opinions about femininity in our society (which I will be blogging about over the next week or so), but it was my personal relationship with femininity that was throwing me for a loop.
While I agree with the comments about femininity being an internal energy and creative expression, I realized that I judge my external self by the cultural notions of femininity. This is not something I do to other women – I have friends who are frilly and girly and friends who are total tomboys, and I see them all as feminine and beautiful. But me? When I’m at the store, wearing my bicycle helmet and my cargo pants and T shirt (a very comfortable outfit I often wear when bicycling) and a woman in high heels passes by, wearing lots of makeup and a miniskirt, I suddenly feel fat, dowdy and absolutely the opposite of feminine. It is that insecurity that got me thinking about this in the first place. I wondered, Why should I have to feel that way about myself? I’m happy driving less and bicycling more – it makes me feel good for many reasons. I prefer to wear my comfortable, utilitarian clothing most of the time because I feel like I can do anything – go into the garden, walk my dog, play with my nephews – and not worry about getting dirty, sweaty or stained. So why should that interfere with my image of myself as a feminine being?
It shouldn’t. But it does.
I’ll be revisiting this some more in the future. But before I continue on this subject in future posts, I do want to make it clear that my goal here is NOT to denounce makeup or skirts or perfume or any other “girly” thing we ladies like to enjoy. Yes, there is one thing I will be stating my firm opinion AGAINST, and we can have some fun debates over that, LOL. But the rest of it – I’m all for it! I wear makeup sometimes. I love skirts. I love chandelier earrings (if you look at my picture on the top right hand side of this blog, you might be able to catch a glimpse of the long earrings I was wearing that day). I love perfume. All I am saying is that I want to feel feminine even when I don’t choose to engage in these forms of femininity. I want to be able to still feel feminine when I am in my sweatpants, huffing up a hill on my bike. Right now, I feel like our culture doesn’t really honor that – the ability to be feminine all the time just because you are a woman. I feel that our culture only acknowledges one kind of femininity – external femininity. And that’s what bothers me.
Thanks for all your comments! I look forward to reading more!
Still from Bride & Prejudice
By the way, I find it completely ironic that two comments mentioned India/Indian culture. I find that funny because I have always thought that is a culture that knows how to celebrate the feminine body! (Okay, I’ve never been to India and am making this judgment purely based on Bollywood films. So forgive me!) The colors are so vibrant, the fabrics so beautiful, and the jewelry…oh, the jewelry. Sometimes, I wish we lived in a culture like that – where all the women look like goddesses. Wouldn’ t that be something?
You know you bring up a good point. It’s funny that we judge ourselves so harshly. I have to be honest, I can’t say I really think of myself as any less feminine, because I don’t wear pretty clothes all day, I actually can’t imagine myself getting all dolled up every day. Since becoming a mother, my MAIN goal in life is comfort, and just yesterday I got SEMI dressed up, put a bit of makeup on, some jewelry, and while I felt good, I couldn’t go home to take everything off, and wash my face. Oh it felt so good. I didn’t even make it to my tae kwon do class because I had to go remove all the things I put on just so I can (look good) for my kids open house. I hardly doubt anyone could care less, he he. I’m not saying not to dress up, wear makeup, and such, BUT for me, it’s a hassle, and most days I’m just not in the mood. I want to get to a place where I’m HEALTHY, and for me, that is the most beautiful thing about a woman. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and not have to tuck my tummy in or something like that. Then, seriously I could strut the heck out of a sweats, jeans, workout clothes, ANYTHING. I will carry myself with confidence. So all the makeup, or pretty clothes, can replace that feeling I’m striving for, and it can only come with hard work on my part to take care of my body.
For the record, if I saw you stroll in the store, all sweaty from a bike ride, I’d be truly inspired by you. Just saying, I think that is INCREDIBLY beautiful, and well I embrace that. But then again, I am not the norm, and actually I love that too
@Bella: That’s really where I land when it comes to dressing – comfort. I can remember when I was teaching and I was told by my colleagues that if I wanted to get a steady position and earn respect from the kids, I should dress up every day. I wore my fancy boots, synthetic-blend, drapey pants, long, fancy scarves, long earrings… I can so clearly remember how awkward it was bending or squatting to help kids with their homework, cuz my clothes didn’t move well and my scarves got in the way, or how I didn’t want to go out on the playground with the kids because my clothes were so thin that I’d freeze even in my jacket, and I was worried about getting them dirty and stained… Ridiculous!
These days, with biking, gardening, playing with my nephews…I don’t want to feel limited. There have been times in the past when I was dressed up and my 5-year-old nephew would say, “Auntie, chase us!” and I’d say no because I didn’t want to run in my sandals or get too sweaty in my nice clothes. The look on his face when I won’t play with him isn’t worth looking pretty! So functional it is!
North American society has done a great job of socializing girls from birth to accept the notion of femininity as sexy skirts, high heels and bright lipstick. You’re right, even when our head recognizes the ridiculous notion that this is the only definition of femininity, we too have been socialized that way. And it doesn’t help that women are hyper-critical of each other, and nasty if another doesn’t meet our idea of the feminine ideal. The best we can do is recognize it for what it is, and work to socialize our own daughters to be accepting of all the different ways of being feminine, whether it be in high heels or in baggy sweatpants. And most importantly? Accept each other as we are.
@Nicole: I could not agree with you more!!! This is so right on. We just have such a narrow view of what is “feminine,” and we aren’t accepting enough of each other. Sisterhood!
i do love all the bright colors ! just remember though, ‘goddess’ is a malleable term – another external term….some women have a certain glow about them, a comfort with themselves and twinkle to their eye which is so goddess-like…btw have you ever heard the song by Soho called ‘goddess’? i *love* it! it’s from the album of the same name (these were the girls who did the song ‘Hippychick’ way back when, remember…)… keep on keepin’ on with this writing, you are really shining brightly my friend!
@Ecogrrl: Oh yeah! So true! I should have said “Hindu goddess,” because goddess really is a malleable term. I’ll go look up that song, BTW!
i think it’s so important to talk about, because although I may not associate femininity with clothing, or physical, that doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel the pressures of sexism in different ways. it’s a very good example of how we still have far to go.
i love jewelery…..
@EcoYogini: I totally agree!! Those pressures are everywhere in so many different forms. It’s definitely something we all need to be open to each other about. And heck yeah, jewelry rocks!
That’s so funny. I read this one last. And my comment on the first was exactly what you didn’t want haha. And the comment on the high heels mentioned Indian people. Lol. Funny.
I know what you mean about not feeling great when I’m on sweats and someone walks by all made up. But I just try not to worry about it. I’m me and that’s who I am.
The other day I went into a store after just having gone hiking up in the mountains. My hair was in frizzy braids, I was wearing a floppy fisherman hat, a tshirt and cargo pants. I might have been a little embarrassed with my messy hair had I just left home like that, but I had just been hiking, so I didn’t care, even though the lady at the register was dressed nice and her hair was perfection. Likewise, if I had just had a yoga class, I would be fine going into a store with my yoga pants on, but I wouldn’t go out in them otherwise. There are appropriate things to wear in different places or for different activities–just because you happen to cross paths with someone who works at, say, a high-end clothing store, doesn’t mean you should compare.
But I like this even better: I bought a skirt not too long ago made from super comfy knit cotton, but it’s really cute and suits my taste very well. I could wear this skirt anywhere: hiking, working in the garden, going shopping, on a date–I’ve even considered wearing it to church, but I have plenty of nicer dresses I can wear to church. I have bought a few comfy tops to go with it. The tops are comfy enough just to wear around the house, but cute enough to wear out of the house and still feel good about myself. The best thing is that the clothes are truly my style. I mean, sweats are comfy and all, but they are boring or even ugly. Why make myself look less attractive by putting ugly clothes on my body? I realize it doesn’t make me less of a woman, but still. What if ALL the clothes we owned were nice-looking, but also comfortable? I think if all my clothes were nice-looking, I wouldn’t worry about getting one dirty, because I’d still have a closet full of other nice clothes to wear.
Just thought of this: Have you seen Harry Potter? Mrs. Weasley, I think, has sort of that ‘dowdy’ look, but she is completely comfortable in her style, and she just radiates femininity to me. I wouldn’t want her to dress any other way.
@Lisa C: I love your point about what we’re wearing because of what we’re doing and not getting caught up in comparing ourselves to another woman in another situation. That is SUCH a great way to think about it!!
Also, I agree about the comfy but pretty clothing. I’ve been trying to add those items to my wardrobe. I have some skirts from Texture – great eco-friendly company and SUPER comfy, pretty skirts. And I’m going to invest in some clothes from Gaia Conceptions (on Etsy) someday…someday! I don’t know when, but as soon as I can afford it. So feminine and pretty and yet functional. They even have a whole line of skorts for bikers like me! Yay!
And yes, I LOVE Molly Weasley. Oh, she is so lovely and I love her clothes!
Here’s the thing: I believe that most women enjoy dressing up. It may be left over from playing dress up as a child. After all, Halloween is a big holiday now for adults and it’s basically a chance to dress up. We don’t have many chances for that these days. It’s a casual culture. We don’t dress up to go to the movies or most public functions. (If you look at pictures from the 50s, men used to wear suits and ties to baseball games!)
We like color and nice fabric, clothing that fits us well. I know that there are outfits you can wear for activities like bicycling that are attractive but comfortable. We just have to make the effort – for US – to look good. It’s an ego builder after all.
@spindlitisTeriPittman: I definitely agree with that. I personally LOVE to play with fabrics and patterns and I love to look at fashion blogs and magazines. My personal struggle has simply been to find clothing that is as functional as it is pretty. I’m getting closer to that – if I had the money, I’d actually have a wardrobe filled with pretty-but-functional items. I know where I’ll be buying clothing someday…. But yes, I do think it’s important for us to hold on to our “fun” – including dressing up! I think it’s a question of balance, lifestyle and personal preference. I’m way more casual than some others, but I actually do still want to look good, too!
Thanks for the comment and link! Great stuff!
one more: are you familiar with this site: http://advancedstyle.blogspot.com/ ? I don’t live in a big city and I would never dress like any of these ladies. But don’t they look fabulous?
@SpindlitisTeriPittman: Too cute! And too fab! These ladies are rocking it!